"Desperately Dating Christian Woman Seeks Desperately Dating Christian Man for a godly Christian Marriage!"
Written for www.AdamMeetEve.com by Juliet Roberts, author of Safer Christian Dating
Are you one of those desperately dating Christians?
Up until about four to six years ago it was Christian dating this and Christian dating that for me, pretty much 24/7. I soon found that desperately dating Christian women tend to seek out desperately dating Christian men--for better or for worse. That's right, I would practically eat, sleep and breathe Christian dating. I read every book on Christian dating that I could get my hands on. I joined two online Christian dating services, ASCN and ChristianCafe, and I attended every local event for Christian singles not only at my own local Bible church but at two other non-denominational Christian churches as well. I was a lean mean Christian dating machine.
When asked out on any kind of a date, 'Yes' was my answer even if I was not all that interested in the guy. As long as the guy was Christian; 'Yes' was the answer. Now part of the 'Yes' answer came from just wanting to go out and have fun. After all I was fresh out of college, starting a new job and full of plenty of energy for having new adventures like rock climbing, repelling and hang gliding. Oh, and kayaking, lets not forget kayaking. The deeper motive for always saying 'Yes' was because I was not really saying yes to God's perfect will. I was saying yes to not wanting to be alone. Not even alone with God. A lack of trust and insecurity is not a healthy place to start a meaningful Christian dating relationship. I slowly began to see that dating Christian men just to be dating Christian men was not God's perfect will. It was desperation. Dating Christian men that I would not ever marry, not in a million years, was not being honest with the Christian men, and most certainly not being honest with God or even with myself.
Then it happened!
[From hereon I have changed any real names to protect my friend's privacy]
One of my very best friends, we'll call her Ellen age 27, carefully planned and then committed what I considered then to be one of the worst sins and acts of a lonely, desperate Christian female imaginable. She did not believe that God had a perfect mate all lined up for her to meet, begin dating and eventually marry. For about six to eight months before she purposely got pregnant outside of marriage, we would get together for coffee or lunch about twice a week. Each time she brought it up I tried to talk Ellen out of it and the conversation usually went something like this:
"Don't do it, Ellen. Don't insult God by seducing some guy just to get his sperm so you can have a baby because you don't believe you will ever get married and you don't want to be all alone! That is just so totally desperate!"
"Shush, Juliet, it is not like that. I am just being practical. Realistic! Look at me. I'm twenty seven. Fat. Been on exactly three dates in my entire life. No second dates. Dating is easy for you, Juliet. Way too easy for you, you're drop dead gorgeous. You think that you are trusting God for the perfect husband. You are really just dating to be dating. Because you are bored with life. Or maybe you are afraid to be alone just like me!"
"I am not bored with life. I love my life. And besides this is not about me, Ellen. It's about you. Read about David and Bathsheba. David sinned. Bathsheba had his son. God took the baby's life. Aren't you afraid of God? Afraid of punishment from God? If you deliberately sin like this, don't you think God will punish you? What if you have a baby and then God takes your baby's life? Just like he did with king David's son.
That's when Ellen usually started crying. "No, Juliet. God is not like that! God knows me and He loves me and He knows I will never marry and have kids. I just want a baby. Just one baby to love. What's wrong with that?"
"But Ellen don't you trust God? You're not even thirty yet. Don't you trust God to provide a...?"
"Can't you see how it is, Juliet?"
By then I would usually just shut up and hold Ellen's hand or hug her while she cried.
Now, about five years later, Ellen now has a smart, healthy little boy who is the delight of her life. What's more, she is getting married in three months. Not to her son's father, but to a sweet Christian man she met through this Christian dating service. She has been dating Brad for about two and one half years. All I can say is bless Brad's heart for taking on a ready-made family. Not all Christian guys would do that.
I still believe it was right for me to tell Ellen not to be so desperate, not to commit a premeditated sin like that. In a way I guess I saw it as stealing, defrauding some guy out of his sperm with no intention of marriage on his part. Maybe that was a dumb way to see it. But it was definitely a desperate case of not trusting God. Kind of like Abraham (and Sarah) not trusting God and going off to have a child named Ishmael with Hagar the maidservant. I can see why she did it. I was very afraid for her. Afraid of God's wrath being poured out on her, and to be really honest, I am still afraid that God will someday punish Ellen by taking the life of her son, just like God took the life of David and Bathsheba's son. Of course, unlike king David, my friend Ellen did not have "Uriah the Hittite" killed. And lust was never on her mind. She was just desperate. Alone. She was also not anointed king, or in any other position of power like David. Still, I was quite afraid of God's wrath being unleashed upon her or on her baby.
Being alone, lonesome or lonely, or however you wish to slice it, gives each of us single Christians a chance to act out of desperation; or to trust God, to meet our God in prayer, to drink up the living water in His word. To let Him love us. Sometimes deep, meaningful fellowship with the God of the universe is just sitting at His feet and deciding that "be still and know that I am God" is the path away from desperation, away from pressure, away from fear of being alone.
Being single and Christian carries a certain amount of pressure, both internally and also from others at church and from our family members who would like us to be instantly "normal" and married. I am now 29, single and seeking God's perfect will for a mate. Oops, did I say "seeking" God's perfect will? I meant to say, "accepting" God's perfect will for a mate. I use the word "accepting" because it conveys the fact that God knows me better than I know myself. And the fact that God loves me and knows what His very best plan for my life is. I am accepting God's will because He is all together trustworthy, faithful and loving. So, now let me tell you how I got to the wonderful, peaceful place of "accepting" from the less peaceful and sometimes confusing place of just seeking God's perfect will.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Heb. 11:1
As I said, I am now 29, and now fairly comfortable in my own skin, in my walk with the Lord, and in my relationships with others, both Christians and non-Christians. I am no longer a lean mean Christian dating machine like I was in my mid-twenties. I never, ever consider dating anyone unless they are a strong, born again Christian. And even then Christian dating to me is more about seeing what God wants. Not what I want. Does that sound strange coming from a gal who used to read every Christian dating book she could get her hands on, but now she reads her bible more.
And back then when I was 24 to 26, it was almost as if my desperate standard for Christian dating was this: "Did he just ask me out, does he carry a bible to church, does he ware pants, ok he's a good Christian man, let's start dating." God's standard is very high for me, His beloved daughter, Juliet. It always has been. Only now I see it. Nothing but the best for God's beloved daughter, Juliet! Which is a love that is well worth waiting for, hoping for, and trusting God for, isn't it?
Nothing but the best for you too, His beloved daughters and sons in Christ! May you live a life of hope and faith in the One who is all together faithful. May you shun desperation in Christian dating relationships. Spend lots of time alone with God. It always helps because He always helps us singles with our feelings of loneliness!
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