Single Christian Female

by Sarah Carter

Single and Sex-less
It?s Saturday night. I slip on my favourite black pants, blow dry my hair and carefully powder my face. I?m going out with some friends to relax and enjoy the city atmosphere. Can?t wait! As I grab the amazing jacket I bought last week, I take one last look in the mirror and think to myself, ?Boyfriend-less again. That?s right honey, still single.?

For most people my age, (which is the not-so-old 27) Saturday night looks something like this: dance, chat and flirt the night away at your favourite clubs and pubs, get a little drunk, give your phone number to loser number 267 (which you undoubtedly discover later in the week when you have the worst date ever), perhaps end up sleeping with (not just anyone of course) but the guy who kept you semi-entertained with stories of croc wrestling Steve Irwin style, and waking up not really remembering what happened. Is this accurate or am I being too stereotypical of my generation?

This is not the lifestyle I lead. I don?t go clubbing, I don?t flirt, I don?t drink, and I definitely don?t sleep around. Actually, I?ve never slept with anyone. I?m a virgin.
That?s right, not just an airline, cola or record label but a state of being - virgin. No sex, and I won?t till I?m married. So what?s with that??

One of my many and varying jobs at present is ?Youth Pastor?. It?s got to be one of the best jobs on the planet. What other profession allows you to go to the movies, beach, shopping centres, or sporting matches all in the name of spending quality time with teenagers? Teenagers are great to talk to. They haven?t quite formulated their own ideas on varying subjects and like to throw controversial and personal questions at you in their quest for personal truth. As a result I have had to defend and explain what I believe on many occasion.

I often talk to young people about sex and my decision to wait till I get married before I do the deed. I?ve spoken to boys who say their body could never last that long, implicating that sex is all about physical desire and satisfying that need. I?ve had discussions with girls who have found temporary acceptance in sexual experiences. And I?ve listened to the majority of young people who tell me that having sex is all about being ready and you?re ready when you ?just know?. I?ve even spoken to some kids who said that sex is only really for young people and should be outlawed for people over 30. I concluded that I really need to hurry up with the whole catching a husband thing!

Western culture is being deceived. We watch programs like Sex in the City which tell stories of women who jump in and out of bed with various partners and yet we never see them at the doctor being treated for a sexually transmitted disease (STD) when current statistics show that 15.3 million cases of STDs are diagnosed every year in the United States.3 We read magazines that tell us safe sex means always wear a condom. I once heard someone say that a condom only protects one organ - the one it is wrapped around, it does not protect any female sexual organs and it definitely doesn?t protect the heart. Society believes sex is all about your needs and you?ll just know when it?s right. Lies. Sex has never been about anything even remotely like that.

God created sex and like everything else He created, God created sex with a purpose. The number one purpose for sex is to make two people become one. That is an extremely difficult thing to do because men and women are miles apart, but sex creates a link between two people causing them to unite. This is a mystery because we logically cannot understand how 1 + 1 = 1 not 2, but somehow, that?s what happens. God never intended sex to be 1 + 1a + 1b + 1c? it?s not algebra. God created sex to be between two people to make them one. It was never created to be an entity on its own and it was never created to exist without commitment. It is part of a covenant – a spiritual, emotional and physical vow to be one forever. This type of union is a beautiful, intimate, and sacred discovery. This is marriage. I love how the writer of Song of Songs talks about this kind of love and commitment:

Place me like a seal over your heart, or like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, and its jealousy is as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Many waters cannot quench love; neither can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with everything he owned, his offer would be utterly despised.4

Ahh, such passion. This passage doesn?t describe the lust of a one-night-stand, but the love of a lifetime. Why settle for anything less?

My job as Youth Pastor has really made me think about why I have chosen to be a virgin till I marry. One of the things I tell kids in school is that sex has a price tag. What price will you write on the tag? Is it something cheap that can be given away with no commitment and short-term fulfilment, or is it a precious, intimate gift to be shared with one person under the covenant of marriage?

So often adults think that teenagers will only listen to scare tactics. We think that if we hit kids with horrific stories and alarming statistics about STDs and AIDS then they will be frightened out of having sex?for a while anyway. The reason that I am a virgin has nothing to do with STDs and statistics. I am a virgin because I believe sex is a sacred, intimate and loving act that I only want to experience with one person. When I tell that to teens in high school they really listen because deep down it?s what they want too. No one has ever shown them before that it is possible to stay a virgin till marriage. Girls just expect to lose their virginity because society has sold them a lie that guys want it and you just have to give it to them. Guys have been sold the lie that they can?t control themselves and it?s all part of being a man. You should see the look of relief on some young people?s faces to discover that they don?t have to accept the status quo.

I also tell teens that marriage has a price tag. Our world seems to have forgotten this fact with people getting divorced at the drop of a hat. It is a commitment that goes beyond living with someone. It?s about self-sacrifice and doing whatever it takes to make your love for each other grow. Marriage is not simply acting on romantic infatuations. It is a love that is devoted to growing and travelling the journey of life together. Cue the gushy music!

That said, my biggest concern at the moment is WHAT IF I NEVER GET ANY?? Don?t laugh, it?s reality. What if I never find Mr Right?? What if I am forever the girl on the shelf? What if I never get to journey that road of love, or wear a gorgeous white dress, or organise a wedding, or have children?

My singleness is not something I think about everyday. After all, the Bible says not to worry about anything but to pray.5 I?ll be honest, most times I?m not that spiritual. Some days I am the totally free woman. I love spending however much I like on clothes and not having to worry about what my husband will say. I enjoy going out whenever I like with whomever I like and doing whatever I like. Being single definitely has its good points. There is also a down side. Some other days, my life would be 100 million times better if I were married or at least had a boyfriend. That?s the way it goes. But on those days, I really hate being consoled with the ?Hang in there, Sar, your time will come.? (How many singles have heard that pathetic line before?) And I know it will, but how inconsiderate and naïve to think that it?s such a simple issue.

Just because I am a Christian does not mean I have no desire to have sex. I do. It?s not that I have all these kinky fantasies or lusty stuff like that, but I am just like the next person in that I want to have sex before Jesus? return, or my death, which ever comes first. Sex isn?t the only thing I want out of a romantic marriage relationship. I also desire intimacy. I want someone who will be interested in what I did during the day, someone who will chill with me on the weekend, someone I can cuddle in a movie and someone I can wake up next to.

I know that the ultimate in all intimacy is intimacy with God. My life so far has been a great chance for me to develop a very intimate relationship with God. However, friends will often say stuff like ?God wants you to use this time as a single woman to become more intimate with Him without having to concentrate on pleasing your husband,? and it really gets up my nose. Personally, that is the biggest load of rot I have ever heard. I believe I?m doing okay right now in my relationship with God. I won?t write that I have it perfected, but intimacy with God is something I daily learn. It?s like admiring His sunset, feeling the kiss of His love when something really special happens, and sharing His pain over the lives of others. My intimacy with God will not take a back seat because I have a husband and all my time is taken up pleasing him. And neither should anyone else?s. Just because you are single means you have no more or less time than anyone to cultivate intimacy with your Creator. To say that marital status affects your relationship with God is a poor excuse. It may affect how you serve God, but never your relationship with Him.

Intimacy with God is one thing, but intimacy with a man is another. No matter how intimate I am with God, I still desire intimacy with another human being. In fact, I think it makes me desire it even more because I know how wonderful it will be.

It has taken me a long time to realise that my need for intimacy, and also sex, takes a lot of emotional and spiritual strength. Waiting for the right man to accept who you are and treat you like a princess is hard work and being a virgin even harder. It?s a constant battle. Don?t get me wrong; it?s not like I?m going to go out and have sex with the first guy I meet in a bar or something. That would be like selling my million-dollar gift for 20 cents. It?s not worth it. I?m not even tempted. And it?s not as if I have to control huge hormonal surges with my boyfriend whenever we?re near each other (due to my lack thereof). So at first glance you would think that there?s no problem. How could being a virgin take emotional and spiritual strength?

Virginity is a fight of faith. FAITH. It?s not a fight of morality; it?s a fight of faith. People don?t wait till marriage to have sex any more because they have no faith. I have FAITH that in God?s awesome plan He is saving some unreal guy for me. I have FAITH that I am a beautiful child of God and just because I don?t have guys chasing me left, right and centre doesn?t mean I am an ugly old spinster. I have FAITH that what God has promised to do He will do.

My choice to abstain from sex is because I daily remind myself of these things and keep FIGHTING for my FAITH. If I ever allowed my faith to slip, if I started to doubt God, then I am sure that I would begin to give in to the temptation to go out and find some guy to have sex with. Young people don?t need to hear ?Don?t have sex?: they need to hear that there?s something far greater that they can stand for – faith. Faith that there is something better than sleeping with whomever you can. Faith that their life is worth saving for a perfect relationship, not just a good one. Faith that as a person they are valuable, precious and brilliant. For so many people sex is based on hope. ?I hope I fall in love this time.? ?I hope this is my knight in shining armour.? ?I hope this relationship lasts.? So they have sex, only to find that in the end, their thinking was hope-less. Hebrews says that faith is the substance of hope.6 It?s what gives hope a backbone and brings what?s hoped for to fulfilment. As a faith-filled woman I can say, ?I hope I fall in love this time,? but even if I don?t, I?ve got faith backing up my hope that says somewhere there is a man worth waiting for. I won?t give my virgin heart, emotions and body away on hope alone but on a faith-filled commitment of marriage.

I am now beginning to understand what Paul said in Ephesians 6, ?Having done all to stand. Stand?? 7 I always wondered why we were standing not advancing. Faith is about standing. Faith isn?t a journey. You arrive and stay there. Fighting for faith is fighting to stand in what you believe and what is true. So I hope and stand in faith that I will meet ?the one? and it will be perfect. It doesn?t just happen in the movies or fairytales. God wants me to have it all, and I can. We all can. Like Jesus said to the parents of a beautiful young virgin girl who was dead?only believe.8

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Copyright © 2004 Sarah Carter. Used with permission.

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